Kate Upton: I just don't know.

When Kate Upton first jiggled into my attention, I didn't warm to her because she seemed like a bit of a shameless desperado. She didn't give me the model jitters. But according to the internet if I don't like her, I must belong to some icky pro-ana group of internet trolls.

Alongside the bajillion youtube videos of her dancing in her bikini, she also has some exciting fashion credentials including Muse and Vogue Spain. She's going to cover CR Fashion Book, Carine Roitfeld's post Vogue venture, she went to the Met Ball and in Harpers Bazaar she looks amazing. I've provided evidence for your eyeballing.

Fashionista's celebrating her because she's not just a pretty face but has a “model personality” too. Buzzfeed's Amy Donnell loves her because she looks 'different.' Have you ever opened Nuts before Amy? And creepy pro-thin websites including Skinny Gossip hate her. One of the comments on the New York Daily's reports on Skinny Gossip's cruel comments says: “Show's how ignorant and misinformed they are. Leave the girl alone. They finally have a normal size/looking girl on magazines and they're trying to tear her appart.”

For me, we're having the wrong conversation. There's nothing normal about Kate Upton's proportions, just like there's nothing normal about Christina Hendricks (remember when everyone got excited about her boobs.) If most of us eat a pie, we get pimples and a new stretchmark, not bountiful baps. Kate Upton is insanely beautiful, but I'm not going to celebrate her because she's supposedly 'different' because that would be an absolute disservice to all the boobilicious models that have been walking the earth FOREVER.

She's not too fat and she's not too thin because the only person who can have an opinion on that is your Doctor. My problem is this: don't try to convince me that I should be blown over by her winning personality because as far as I can see there's zero evidence for it. Seriously, stop telling me it's there and SHOW ME. I haven't read any interviews where she really says anything. True, I don't hate Mossy for that but Kate Moss has built an empire on her brand of icy arrogance which I totally respect. No-one ever said, 'God I love Kate Moss, she's just so pretty and fun.' She's a bit of a scary bitch and I love women like that. Not the ones that are happy to bounce around, laughing at your bad jokes, so enchanted by the little things in life. Kate Upton is like a human embodiment of a wink.

It's like when they interview the page 3 girl and she says, '"I don't have a problem with boys talking to my boobs, have a look if you want!" and you think, 'what a fucking liar.' Say something! Say something that's not on the script!

For me, Kate Upton's too safe. I love lots of fashion models because they're exactly the opposite. I hate that we're all celebrating an exceptionally conventionally beautiful woman: a nice white, blonde lady with 'curves in all the right places' and she's supposed to be different? Buzzfeed so nicely put up a picture of Anja Rubik to prove their point about “runways' preferred insanely skinny — yet muscley! — mold.” Because Kate Upton's beautiful! Look at horrible Anja! And somehow the fashion industry is still the one coming out looking like a total bitch.

It's still super early in Upton's career and I'm being slightly cruel because I'm sure that she (and plenty of other glamorous ladies) get asked lots of stupid questions which can only be followed by similarly stupid answers. But for now, if I want to watch a model dancing, I don't want it to be the self-conscious, calculated, filmed by TERRY RICHARDSON efforts of Kate Upton. Coco Rocha, you're officially my favourite dancing model.